Will Fox News host Pete Hegseth still be the nominee to run the Department of Defense by the time you read this? We have our doubts. Hegseth was never a strong candidate, given that, despite his military service, he had no meaningful qualifications to run the largest and arguably most important federal department. It’s like asking the Surge to run the Government Printing Office (which we would totally do, by the way; print, baby, print, ha ha ha). Since his November nomination, though, Hegseth has been plagued by scandal, first involving a rape allegation in 2017 for which he was not charged, and then this week with several other stories alleging a lengthy history of boozing and womanizing. Hegseth worked Senate office buildings all week to try to reassure senators that these reports were all evil media smears, and even had his mother—whose own years-old letter disapproving of her son’s behavior went public this week—call senators to make Hegseth’s case. The most risible reassurance Hegseth offered certain senators this week was that he wouldn’t drink at all were he to get the position, as if someone with an alleged drinking problem saying I can stop anytime wasn’t an ancient trope about the stage of denial. There’s actually precedent for this pledge, though. President George H. W. Bush’s defense secretary nominee, ex-Sen. John Tower, faced similar allegations as Hegseth is facing now in 1989, and also pledged not to drink while in office. And Tower was someone who was excellently qualified to run the Pentagon. His nomination was rejected.

President Joe Biden on Sunday issued a sweeping pardon of his son Hunter for any federal crimes committed over the past 10 years, including those for which he had been tried and was awaiting sentencing. In a statement, the president argued that Hunter was selectively prosecuted because of his last name. “There has been an effort to break Hunter—who has been five and a half years sober, even in the face of unrelenting attacks and selective prosecution,” the statement read. “In trying to break Hunter, they’ve tried to break me—and there’s no reason to believe it will stop here. Enough is enough.” In issuing the pardon, Biden broke a pledge he had made many, many times that he would not do so, and there’s been an eruption of anger on both sides of the aisle that doesn’t show a sign of abating soon. So then, at the risk of sounding (sounding?) like hacks, we’ll give you our opinion: We’ve honestly struggled to get worked up about it. We go through the checklist of reasons why it’s bad, agree with them all, and still cannot get worked up about it. The full arc is just so bleak. The unpopular, aged president on his way out of office, with his legacy already sinking like a stone, delivered a lasting blow to himself to atone for dragging his last living son into all of this. It both sucks and makes total sense at once. Hunter: Call us if you want to hang.

One reason why Biden may have been concerned about the continuing persecution of his son, and why his staff is considering whether to issue preemptive pardons to likely subjects of Trump’s retribution, is that Trump has chosen a hit man, who has published an enemies list, to take over the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Patel, a former official in the first Trump administration and aide to then–House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes, has also said in the past that “we’re going to come after the people in the media who lied about American citizens, who helped Joe Biden rig presidential elections.” (Psst, Kash: His name is Ben Mathis-Lilley.) Patel hasn’t been greeted as dismissively by key Republican senators as, say, Matt Gaetz was, and we expect a robust next month of Patel “cleaning up” his past remarks. It gives the Surge plenty of time to pack our gulag go-bag and leave it by the front door.

It’s been a low-key revolutionary week among House Democrats. Biden’s decision to stay in the presidential race until way too late is having downstream effects within the party, as the same debates are playing out ahead of the next Congress. Among House Democrats, several committee leaders well into their senescence earned challenges for their roles. The top Democrat on the Agriculture Committee, Georgia Rep. David Scott, whose rough shape is much whispered-about, is facing two challengers. (What’s particularly noteworthy here is that the Congressional Black Caucus isn’t leaping to his defense, either.) Meanwhile, longtime New York Rep. Jerry Nadler stepped down from his top spot on the Judiciary Committee after getting a challenge from Maryland Rep. Jamie Raskin, while Arizona Rep. Raúl Grijalva, whose health problems include a cancer treatment, stepped down from his top spot on the Natural Resources Committee. House Democrats can be stubborn about the importance of keeping talented members waiting in line, forever, until the 150-year-old at the helm chooses to make a graceful exit. There are many sensitivities involved. It’s interesting to see them, well, learn something.

One way you can tell that the Trump transition team is prepared to dump Hegseth is how vigorously new names are being floated to replace him. Among those batted around this week was “Meatball Ron” DeSantis, the governor of Florida and vanquished rival of Trump’s in the 2024 Republican presidential primary. This would be an effective pick. DeSantis is qualified to run a large bureaucracy and would be confirmed without much drama. He’d get to do all the fun little culture-war stuff that are goals of both his and Trump’s, such as firing the “woke generals” and making sure that people use the right bathrooms at the Pentagon. Yes, DeSantis would have to leave his Florida kingdom behind, but he has only two years left before he’s term-limited, and running the Department of Defense would keep him relevant in the news. Trump, meanwhile, would enjoy bossing DeSantis around as his direct superior, and would further enjoy the Cabinet Hunger Games for the 2028 nomination between him, J.D. Vance, and Marco Rubio. Would there be some risk that Trump would only select DeSantis with an eye toward humiliating him and ruining his career in a couple of years as final payback for challenging him in 2024? Yes, and we’d all enjoy that. Everyone gets something.

The incoming Senate majority leader made news on a couple of fronts. He sketched out for his fellow Senate Republicans a legislative plan for two megabills next year: the first one focused on border security and energy, and the second to extend the expiring Trump tax cuts of 2017. (Both would be done through the budget reconciliation process, so they wouldn’t be subject to the Senate filibuster.) But this plan isn’t finalized yet, and the leader of the House’s tax-writing committee is ardently against this timeline. The second bit of news Thune made, though, shocked us to the core. Thune released the Senate’s 2025 schedule, and not only will the chamber work more weeks, but they will also be working on Fridays. A five-day workweek is antithetical to the Senate. As long as the Surge has been covering the place, they’ve usually flown in Monday afternoon and flown out Thursday around 2:30 p.m. This rigorous pace will please Trump, who wants his administration confirmed and ready to go as quickly as possible. But we’re eager to see how long this schedule lasts. Senators are all old. Working them on a schedule resembling that of normal people will make them counterproductively irritable and prone to hospitalization. We just don’t buy it!

This week’s International Surge takes us to the Korean Peninsula and its supposedly democratic southern half, where President Yoon declared martial law because he was upset with the legislature. (GREAT time to give certain incoming leaders around the world certain ideas.) The country erupted in late-night protests, and just enough legislators to form a quorum wormed their way through tanks and law enforcement to vote unanimously to end the martial law. Ol’ Yoon sat in his stupid little government house for the next few hours deciding what to do, and ultimately he lifted the martial law declaration. On a serious note: Thank God, and not just for the sake of the South Korean people. Global democracy is under serious duress, and no one needs the South Korean president using the military to ignore the legislature. Now, back to the jokes: What a wuss. How long did you make it, big guy? Like six hours? This is an embarrassment to the honorable tradition of autogolpe. Next time you’re lonely, just go to the golf course. It won’t make you feel better, but it will kill time.