“Oh, that is the perfect way to appeal to any woman. There’s no better way to start a first date than saying: ‘Diane, I am your protector. I want to be your protector. You will no longer be abandoned, lonely or scared. I will be with you 24 hours a day, seven days a week, looking at you. I’ll never let you out of my sight. Oh, you need to go to the bathroom? OK. I’ll wait. Waitress? I want to protect you.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Uh, I’m actually meeting someone here. I have a boyfriend. Thank you so much, though.” — DESI LYDIC

“I love how he’s acknowledging that we’re stressed out, as though he’s not the one stressing us out. This is like Boeing being like, ‘Weird how people seem so freaked out about air travel these days.’ “ — DESI LYDIC

“You really know how to flatter a lady. Please tell me more about the bags under my eyes.” — DESI LYDIC

“Although, it’s not true that all women are poorer. E. Jean Carroll seems to be doing pretty well.” — DESI LYDIC

“But Trump is a master marketer. That’s how you sell things to women: You convince them they have a problem, and then you say, ‘Here, buy these vagina gummies.’ And yes, in this analogy, Trump is the vagina gummy.” — DESI LYDIC

“Earlier today, President Biden attended the General Assembly and delivered his final U.N. address. Biden called on nations to band together amid world conflicts and growing concerns over China’s influence. Then he added, ‘Or do whatever you want. What the hell do I care? I don’t care anymore.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“He warned his fellow leaders to ‘never forget some things are more important than staying in power,’ which got a huge laugh from the Russian delegation.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Biden’s address was a big deal. It’s the most important speech he’s delivered in front of a 1990s kitchen backsplash.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Well, New York City officials actually said drivers should expect the slowest traffic of the year. Yeah, you know traffic is slow when even Biden is like, ‘You know, I’m just going to get out and walk.’” — JIMMY FALLON